A Walk in the Clouds

Kemah Boardwalk Celebrating Elijah's 3rd Birthday

2008-08-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

Connor has just turned 16 and Elijah is now 3 years old. Notice how tall Connor has grown!

2008-08-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Lilibeth Eve

The Loss of Lilibeth

2008-08-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

I had to fly to Texas to be with our daughter, Monica, suddenly on July 5th. She had a miscarriage in her tenth week of pregnancy. I stayed for two weeks to help her through the pain, shield her from well intentioned people she was not prepared to see just yet, and help her with our three year old grandson, Elijah. There was sadness to be sure but also joy and even moments of laughter. A three year old can do that for sure. Especially when he crawls into my lap and asks his Grandma the Magnificent (a title he gave to me) to read a story or two to him.

Although she could not easily voice her feelings, Monica did write about them. Here is what she said:

"Tuesday, July 08, 2008
There are so many things that I've been wanting to write about and share. But, there either hasn't been time, or it's been consumed by other things. This weekend has been no different ... definitely consumed by the unexpected: I lost my baby on July 5th. Though I've not been capable of 'talking' about it with anyone just yet, I do feel the need to express my feelings, and here seems to be the right place to start. This was my third pregnancy. My mother had difficulty with her pregnancies (note the plural and that I am an only child). Because of her history, I had fear during my first pregnancy that I'd miscarry easily. But, that fear gave way to joy as I progressed without concern. Connor will be sixteen this month, and Elijah three. Though thirteen years apart, my pregnancies had been easy. I had no reason to expect anything different. On July 4th, I began to spot just a little. Despite knowing that some women experience this in pregnancy, I was only slightly worried in that this had never been my experience. So, I began praying that everything would be alright. At first the spotting seemed to lighten, but then it reoccurred and this time looked more like bright red blood. Now I was concerned. I continued praying and tried to rest. Later that night I awoke at around 4:15am blood soaked and ran to the bathroom. Some tissue fell from my body ... an eerie feeling I'll never forget. Sam insisted that we wake Elijah and go to the hospital. We arrived there at nearly 4:45am. The staff checked me in and two nurses began to treat me. Though they had few words, their somber expressions screamed what I didn't want to hear. A doctor came in about an hour later and asked me, "Do you understand what's happening?" As I barely choked out a faint "yes", my throat ached and tears flooded my eyes. It had been the first time I admitted to my heart what was happening. I was losing my baby. The hospital sent me home with instructions on how to monitor my symptoms. I continued to bleed, near hemorrhage, for nineteen hours before returning to the hospital. They contacted an OB from a nearby city to get instruction as to how to treat me. They opted for a drug called Methergine to control my bleeding, but they had none on site. I waited for two hours for the drug to be couriered from another hospital. As soon as it had been given to me, my uterus began to painfully cramp. I was nearly doubled over still bleeding, still clotting and now in agonizing pain. They gave me a heavy pain reliever and released me for home again. The car trip was excruciating ... every bump, hole and fissure magnified my pain and I writhed by the time we were there. The painkiller allowed me to sleep through the night. Sam made me comfortable and waited on me like a prince throughout. He called the same OB that the hospital had spoken with to make an early morning appointment for Monday. We arrived at 9:15am. The receptionist knew to expect us, but in my mind seemed to be graceless with regard to our condition. She was so matter of fact, and concerned mainly with how we'd pay than with how we felt. Ugh. I am not a hateful person, but thoughts of love and joy were not being stirred towards her. After a few moments, the doctor saw Sam and I. He explained that he was going to look at me and see if I had passed everything I needed to. Sam took Elijah and went back to the waiting room. And, I headed to a small dimly lit room that had a very odd, very stiff, and very uncomfortable looking chair in it. It wasn't the usual bed you see in a doctor's office ... this looked more like something you'd sit in for a dental check-up. I felt chilled. The nurse told me to completely undress and slip on a paper shirt, open in the front, and to cover my legs with a paper sheet. I had trouble opening the shirt, and was dreading sitting in that odd chair as I was still bleeding and couldn't bear the thought of making a mess let alone being uncomfortably exposed. A few moments later the doctor walked in. He told me to set my legs in the calf clamps at either side of the chair. They were more like awkwardly positioned round metal tubes than easy leg rests. As I tried to sit as he instructed, a wave of insecurity washed over me. He pushed a button and the chair began to motorize and tilt backward. He pulled a light close, inserted a clamp, stretched me open and then began to poke at my insides. The pain was unbearable again. I was already consumed by layers of mental, emotional and physical anguish. The humiliation of the procedure along with realizing that I hadn't yet passed everything and would need further surgery completely broke my countenance. I couldn't help but mournfully and bitterly sob, upside down, barely covered in paper, foreign objects inside and with two strangers a foot length away. I was covered in grief. Sam (Monica's husband) took me to get checked in to the hospital. We arranged for all the paperwork, had more blood drawn and my surgery was scheduled for 2:30pm. We went home for about an hour-and-a-half before returning to the day surgery unit. They prepped me with an IV and Sam I waited for an operating room to open. It turned out that two other surgeries before us ran in to complications which delayed my procedure by nearly four hours. In a way, I was glad to wait knowing that the others before us were being cared for so well. But, I was also weary of laying on an uncomfortable stretcher, hooked up to an IV pole and freezing. Finally, the time came. The anesthetist came to speak with me, then two nurses came with pre-surgery medication. A few moments later I was whisked to the OR where the anesthesiologist placed a mask over my face, and I drifted off to black silence. That was the last thing I remember prior to waking woozy in the recovery room. Sam was still by my side. He was always by my side. I love him so. I was able to leave within a half hours time, and am glad to be back at home. I'm still hurting, though more mentally and emotionally than physically. My mom flew in yesterday and is here with me now. I'm so glad. My best friend Tami helped with Elijah, and picked my mom up from the airport while Sam and I were at the hospital. Tami, thank you for your friendship. You're so good to me. And, Sam, thank you for being so tender toward me for every moment of the last four horrific days. You have made my love for you grow. Despite ailing from your own bout with bronchitis and being severely deprived of sleep, you have sacrificed continually for Elijah's and my comfort while ministering to our every need. You really shine as the hands and feet of Christ. I'm sorry for the loss of our child, but I am so glad to have gone through it with you. Your love, care, compassion and ministering have meant the world to me. For anyone that might wonder, no I have never once blamed God nor been angry or upset with Him in any way for what has happened. This world is given over to sin, and sin has brought death ... not God. I know without question, and without hesitation that our loss was in no way God's doing, nor His will. However, I do know that our child rests in the arms of our Lord now and that we will see her in days to come. My Father has been of absolute comfort to me throughout this time. I've leaned on Him and He has covered me with His grace. This world is broken. He is not. Everything is right with Him and I claim victory and life in His name. Thank you Jehovah Rapha for being my great Healer and El Shaddai, my All Sufficient One. I love you and praise you through this storm.
Job 6:10Then I would still have this consolation— my joy in unrelenting pain— that I had not denied the words of the Holy One"

"Thursday, July 17, 2008
I feel like adding a final post about the loss of our baby on July 5th. As hard as it's been to go through, amazing good has come from it. When I woke up blood soaked early Saturday morning, I knew that something was terribly wrong. Though I hadn't been in pain at that time, Sam insisted we rush to the hospital. We did. Two very tender and sweet nurses began taking care of me. They had such kind expressions, but laced with sorrow. It was difficult to look in to their eyes. As I lay on the stiff white bed, in the cool and sterile hospital room, I simply closed my eyes and prayed ... and prayed ... and prayed. The nurses had gone for a least a period of an hour. During that time I prayed Jeremiah 32:17, "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." I kept saying over and over again ... "nothing is too hard for You. You can do this. You can fix what's wrong and make it right." I not only said those words, but believed them deeply. There was no way that I'd give thought or voice to loss of hope. When the nurses returned, the doctor followed. He had a serious expression on his face, a mix between stern and grave. When he asked if I understood what was happening, there was only one reply. Yes ... I did. Despite, acknowledging his words my hope had still not been lost. I asked if we could listen for the baby's heartbeat. The doctor began to speak very clinically, and said that we could try, but doubted that we'd hear anything. Despite his pessimism, I insisted. The nurse slathered my belly with cool gel, and began to carefully search for the baby's heartbeat. But only mine was heard. It seemed that my baby had already been gone ... now it was time for 'biology' (as the doctor put it) ... to take over. There were so many layers to my experience at that time. Despite being physically and verbally engaged with the nurses, and doctor; despite my own discomfort and tumult of emotion, I had been fully gripped in prayer. It had been when I heard no heartbeat other than my own that I immediately switched gears and conceded to God, "It's a no. I know that nothing is too hard for you, but You said no. So, instead I'm going to praise You through this storm. I don't know why this is happening, but I know that You are faithful. I will still love You no matter what. You are still on the throne. You still love me. And, now I have a child in heaven ... with You." As I had been praising God, another line of thought crossed my mind. I had been thinking, while praying, how glad I was that despite the torment of my circumstance that my first reaction was to PRAISE HIM!!! That alone gave me peace and joy. And, while this peace surrounded me like a blanket, another thought began to enter. I thought, could this be pride? Am I feeling pride now ... at this moment, while my baby is literally falling from my body? Ugh. Though the thought of it repulsed me, there remained a deep satisfaction that yes! ... praise had been my first response. I had praised God at the most difficult of times, and in my most vulnerable state. After arriving home from the hospital that morning, I immediately turned to the Word. I had been searching for the verse in Jeremiah 31:13, 'I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.' I had been set on claiming that passage to get me through the day and days to come. However, As I had been searching for that passage, God revealed another to me. It was Job 6:10, 'Then I would still have this consolation - my joy in unrelenting pain - that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.' In the King James Version, the verse reads, 'Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One.' The word harden in today's language seems to give the verse the exact opposite meaning of it's true translation. In Hebrew, the word 'harden' means to 'leap, jump or spring for joy.' So, Job, in his inmost heart still leaped for joy because he hadn't denied God ... even after losing all of his children, his livestock, his home and his health. He continued to praise God. I knew at that moment that God had given me a special word. The experience I had with Him in the hospital, praising Him first despite enormous loss and pain, was not pride but simple joy. I had been joyful to praise Him even in the midst of despair. I'm so glad. Thank you Father, for holding me then and now. You always do. I pray that I will be endlessly thankful for your goodness. I feel that it is important for me to share this experience, if for nothing else than to give others a ray of hope. This experience has not been easy. It's been heart wrenching. But, despite the mourning, there has been gladness. We can survive our 'worst thing imaginable' with God. He will carry us. And, though we may never know the 'why' on this side of heaven, we can know the truth. And, the truth is OUR GOD IS GOOD!!! He has plans for us .... 'plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11. Our daughter may be in heaven, but that is where I'd want her to be anyway .... despite wanting to selfishly hold her in my flesh and blood arms, on earth. She is where we all want to be ... in the loving arms of the one who loves like no other ... our true Father in heaven. Praise be to Him. We named her Lilibeth Eve. In Hebrew: Lili means 'pure and innocent.' Beth (short for Elizabeth) means 'God is my oath.' And, Eve means 'alive or living.' So, all together she is an innocent daughter of God, alive and living because of His oath of faithfulness to us.Praise Him for He is Good!"

I told Monica I could not tell her that she would in time forget the pain of loss. I have never forgotten my miscarriages. But I did tell her she would move beyond the pain with time and that Elijah would be instrumental in that as well as her strong spiritual beliefs.

While I was away, my husband also felt compelled to write about Monica's loss. He did so in a letter he wrote and sent to Sam and Monica. This is what he wrote:

"Dear Monica and Sam, I am writing you a few lines to let you know how I personally feel about the loss of your baby, my special grand baby. As long as will live on this earth, there will always be a special place in my soul for the gift of life God gave me of this grandchild. My Christian belief is life starts with conception, when the baby's first heart beats are started by God's miracle of life. Then the child also will be given a soul by its heavenly father, Jesus, and by its heavenly grandfather, Jehovah. For some reason this miracle of life was cut short of existence to be born to a loving mother and father on earth. My faith tells me that this child will have a special place in the heavenly kingdom. I like to believe that the baby was taken by angels to heaven to be raised by them and when fully grown be presented to the heavenly father Jesus and its grandfather, Jehovah, to be welcomed by them into eternal service as a fully grown angel. Yes, I believe your baby will be an angel in god's kingdom. So when I pray to Jesus and Jehovah, I will always ask for permission to pray a few words to my personal angel, your miracle baby. Lots of love to you, Monica, and to you, Sam, for being such a kind and loving dad. My prayers are with you at this time."

My husband, Arno, is not one to write about or speak about his feelings. They are a very private part of him. That is why these words he wrote are so moving to Monica, Sam, and to me.

The Words of Obadiah

2008-01-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

Obidiah is the shortest of the prophetic books of the Bible. The name means Servant of Jah. As with other books by the minor prophets, there are themes of judgment and restoration for God's chosen people. Historical references indicate the book was written during the year 607 BCE when Babylonians destroyed Jerusalem.

The main thrust of the prophet's ministry, reflected in the themes of his book, is the ultimate victory of the people of God if they maintain their faith. Edom is used as an example of failure to manifest love toward one's neighbor in times of need, (Obadiah 1:1-17) and the eventual victory of Israel is declared in a vision of the future. (Obadiah 1:18-21)

Edom had a close relationship with Israel through Esau, son of Isaac, who sold his birthright to his brother Jacob for a bowl of lentil stew. Yet the Edomites rejoiced at the destruction of the Israelites and did not offer help. "You ought not watch the sight in the day of your brother, in the day of his misfortune; and you ought not rejoice at the sons of Judah in the days of their perishing; and you ought not maintain a big mouth in the day of their distress." (Obadiah 1:12) Are we sometimes guilty of rejoicing when someone we dislike seems to be "getting what he deserves"? Is that a view our forgiving God would want us to cultivate?

Clearly that is not the attitude we should have. Obadiah goes on to say, "For the day of Jehovah against all the nations is near. In the way that you have done, it will be done to you. Your sort of treatment will return upon your own head." (Obadiah 1:15) Jesus spoke a similar warning for us to heed in today's world. "Stop judging that you may not be judged; for with what judgment you are judging you will be judged; and with the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you." (Matthew 7:1,2) If we call upon these words, we will be less likely to take joy in the calamity others face, even though we may feel that person has wronged us personally or wronged mankind as a whole. Jehovah measures our words and thoughts against his perfect scale of justice.But there is a promise for those who stay with Jehovah. Obadiah comforts us with these words: "And in Mount Zion is where those escaping will prove to be..." (Obadiah 1:17) Mount Zion is a name given to the heavenly Jerusalem, God's special place. Loyal followers of Christ always find refuge there during good times and bad. That is why Christ promises He is never far off from those who follow Him.

The Prophetic Words of Amos

2008-01-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

Amos was not born the son of a prophet. He did not belong to the organized society known as the the Sons of the Prophets. In his early life he was a humble sheep raiser and also took seasonal work pruning fig trees. Jehovah chose him to be His prophet, calling him from his flock of sheep. He was sent north to the idolatrous ten tribe kingdom. Jehovah's spirit moved Amos to use simple, direct, picturesque language so people of all backgrounds could understand what he said. Amos was the first biblical prophet whose words were recorded in a book. He was active in 750 BC during the reign of Jeroboam II. His major themes were about social justice, God's omnipotence, and divine judgment.

Amos points to Jehovah when he says, “The Lord roars from Zion.” (Amos 1:2) God has been Israel's shepherd. Like a shepherd, God is supposed to take care of Israel. But Amos, a sheepherder himself, says God is now like a Lion to Israel. The lion was the most feared animal of that time. It could attack and devour a flock of sheep while the shepherd watched helplessly. That is why Amos says the shepherds will mourn.

This roar of judgment (1:3-2:16) Amos is pronouncing is judgment on the surrounding nations, listing the evil things Israel's enemies had done and what God was going to do to Israel. Israel was anticipating a day when God would deliver them from their enemies. They failed to recognize God would also judge them according to their deeds. Amos starts with foreigners, then denounces Israel's neighbors, and finally prophesies against Judah. The justice system was corrupt. The law said it was OK to sell a debtor to pay the debt, but they were abusing it. The rich and the powerful may have been able to bribe judges to decide in their favor in a false lawsuit and that allowed them to sell the “righteous” (the one who was innocent but declared guilty) into slavery to pay the fine. “Selling the needy for a pair of sandals” shows that the people were being sold into slavery for small debts or pledges even though The law commanded the Israelites to give to the needy. They took Jehovah's forgiveness and salvation and provision but did not pass it on to others. They had no commitment to God and had no respect for those who did. Why does God consider Israel to be worse than all the other nations? It is because God requires more from those to whom He has given more. (Luke 12:48) "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be demanded of him; and the one whom people put in charge of much, they will demand more than usual of him."

God had given the Jews the law. They knew better. That was God's complaint against Judah because Judah rejected the Law. And it is God's complaint against Israel. What do all these sins of Israel have in common? Love of money and things had replaced love for people. Money had become their god. Israel's sins are worse because they knew better. Theirs was the sin of hypocrisy. How does this apply to us today? Love for money and material things can distract us from serving Jehovah as we should.

One obvious problem in Israel was the sin of materialism. We certainly face this problem in our society. We can see how the Israelites compromised God's laws and principles to achieve success. We need to be careful that we do not fall into the same trap. The Israelites did something else. They told themselves that their prosperity was God’s sign of approval. There are those who say the same as they preach prosperity to their congregations.

We see how the Israelites abused people in need. How concerned are we for the poor? What are we doing for them? Are we ignoring them or ministering to them? God expects more out of His people. We should not gloss over what we think are little sins, or what we have rationalized away as not even being a sin. Because Israel was chosen by Jehovah, the Jews thought they were immune from judgment. They thought it didn't matter what they did. They took their relationship with God for granted. But to God, being chosen means having responsibility.

How does this relate to us since we are not under the covenant blessings and curses given to Israel? We are children of God. We can't remove the relationship no matter how much we sin. What we can change is whether or not He needs to discipline us or whether He will continue with His planned blessings for us. When Israel was bad, they were still God's chosen people; they just didn't get to enjoy His blessings. Instead, God had to discipline them. And He disciplined them for transgressions that didn’t seem as bad to us as the other nations. But they knew better than to transgress against the Law. Despite all the warnings given to Israel and the fact that they are ignored for the most part, shows God's patience and His mercy.

Chapter five points out the nation would be judged by God, but individuals could yet repent and live. God's plan was for an eternal kingdom for them. They hated the one who pointed out their wickedness. People don't want to be told that they are sinning. Darkness hates the light. Their worship and singing was just noise in God’s ears because their worship was only external and did not come from the heart. God desires justice. How you treat your fellow man is what is important to God and that is what shows that you love God. Over and over again we see the theme repeated that we are to love God and show it by our love for our neighbor.

Chapter Six addresses another problem in Israel. Everyone felt they were better because they were the chosen people. They thought they were invincible because they were God's people and because of their own strength. The rest of this chapter shows how wrong they were. “you have turned justice into poison.” The judicial system which was designed to preserve the nation's health had become a lethal poison within its body.

In Chapter Seven, Amos goes on the relate three visions to Israel: The vision of the locust swarm (7:1-3), the vision of fire (7:4-6), and the vision of the plumb line (7:7-8). The contrast of the third vision with the first two is meant to show that Israel is “out-of-line” and doesn't measure up to God's standards. The prophet had asked for mercy in the first two visions, but when he was shown just how bad the people were with the plumb line, he didn't ask for mercy because he could see that the judgment was deserved. God's people did not measure up to His standards. Amos sees the nation as God sees it. He looks at the situation theologically (the plumb line) and from reality (Amaziah's response) and sees that the judgment is deserved. Too often we respond to bad things emotionally and blame God or think that it isn't fair, but we don't see what is going on from God's perspective.

The vision of ripe fruit in Chapter 8 showed the time was ripe for executing judgment. They went to worship on the Sabbath, but they resented the Sabbath because they couldn’t go to work and make more money by cheating others. If the law can be summed up by loving God and loving your neighbor, the Israelites showed that they did neither. If you don’t love your neighbor, it proves that you don’t love God. It is worse to go without hearing the word of God and then doing His will than to go without food.

In Chapter 9, Amos tells us God will shake the nation to separate the wheat from the chaff. And when God shakes, no chaff will remain. God will sort everyone out in the end and He will determine who will be saved and who will not. We have a tendency to want to judge others and determine if they are saved, but that is God’s job. Hope is also given. The ultimate purpose for God's judgment is not revenge, it is restoration. God punishes us to bring us back to Him. This is always the purpose for discipline. In Matthew 18 Jesus talks about reproving your brother. The goal is to bring him to the point where he sees his sin and repents. Peter understands this and asks the question about how many times we must forgive. Jesus’ answer is... always. There will come a time when God will restore the Israel of today. Godly people from other nations will be included. That was Israel's purpose all along -- to be a testimony to the world of how great God is and lead the nations to Him. It is the believer's role to attract the nations to God and bring them into the kingdom.

Amos' prophecy comes to a close with verse 15 which says they will not again be rooted out from their land. Although the unbeliever's sins often appear worse to us, in God's eyes the sins of the Christian are worse because we should know better. Just as God was patient with Israel and gave an opportunity to repent, God also is patient with us and gives us time to repent. But we should not abuse God's grace because we don't know when He will finally bring judgment. We must rest our trust in Jehovah's ways. God is faithful in His promise as long as we are faithful in our committment to him. Our faithfulness should be seen through our words and the way we live our daily life.

More About the Book of Joel

2008-01-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

Much can be applied to us today from the warnings issued in Jehovah's judgment of mankind in Joel's day. The plague of the caterpillar, locusts, and cockroaches noted in Joel 1:4 have symbolic meaning.

The caterpillar is the first or larval stage in the life of a locust. In order to avoid detection, caterpillars tend to blend in to the background. The same can be said of false Christians and their leaders who at first appear to be sincere followers of Christ. They blend in with the true believers, much like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Acts 20:29-30 warns of this happening: "I know that after my going away oppressive wolves will enter in among you and will not treat the flock with tendernesss, and from among you yourselves men will rise and speak twisted things to draw away the disciples after themselves." The appetite of caterpillars is voracious, eating as much as twice their weight in vegetation daily. So,too. is the voracious appetite of those who speak twisted things to draw members of the congregation away.

Biblically the locust has been used to represent God's judgment. The invasion of locusts can transform a paradise-like place to a wilderness. Among believers, there is a similar devastation in God's congregation when false teachers tear apart true believers, dividing them into groups and causing such dissension among the members of a congregation that what once was a spiritual paradise has become a desolate wilderness of doubt. In the Book of Romans Paul was inspired to warn of those who like locusts were stripping away the faith of true believers. "For God's wrath is being revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who are suppressing the truth in an unrighteous way. Because although they knew God, they did not glorify him as God nor did they thank him, but they became empty-headed in their reasonings and their unintelligent heart became darkened." (Romans 1: 18, 21) Too many times these "locusts" have come into a congregation and through their sowing of seeds of doubt have devastated or even destroyed a congregation.

The cockroach is an insect which prefers to only come out under cover of darkness to consume whatever has been left behind by the others. Peter warns us about these "cockroaches" who come among us in times of spiritual darkness to consume whatever is left behind that may be weak or vulnerable in our spiritual state, ''...There will also be false teachers among you. These very ones will quietly bring in destructive sects...many will follow their acts of loose conduct and on account of these the way of the truth will be spoken about abusively. Also with covetousness they will exploit you with counterfeit words." (2nd Peter 2: 1-3) If we are not watchful, carefully guarding our hearts and minds with the truth of God's word, we can be consumed by false words and leave the teachings of the true teachers of the congregation. The litmus test for truth is the Bible. If a person's teachings cannot be clearly supported by Bible verses, those words are false.

The Prophet Joel

2008-01-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

The Book of Joel, a prophetic book of the Old Testament of the Bible, derives its name from the prophet Joel. Nothing other than his name is known about the prophet. The date of composition was probably between 400 and 350 BC, although some scholars place it much earlier (9th - 7th century BC).

The book falls into two sections. The first (1:1 - 2:17) gives an account of a plague of locusts and a drought that ravaged Judah as a symbol of divine judgment. The second (2:18 - 3:21) promises the gift of the spirit of the Lord for the entire population and declares final judgment on all nations, with protection and fertility for Judah and Jerusalem. The passage on the outpouring of God's Spirit (2:28 - 32) is cited in Peter's sermon in Acts 2:17 - 21. Later, Paul applied these prophetic words (Joel 2:32) to both Jews and non-Jews who call upon Jehovah in faith. "For everyone who calls upon the name of Jehovah will be saved." (Romans 10:13) It is this portion of Joel which I have chosen to write about since it has importance for us in the current times we live in.

In Chapter Two, verses 28 and 29, Joel speaks of God's spirit being poured out resulting in prophesy, dreams, and visions. Peter told the early congregation that the same things would occur again in their time. What does that mean for us now in these days for modern Christians? Are these gifts of the spirit still active today or have they been done away with?

This can be a bone of contention for some. It is true there was an outpouring of holy spirit at Pentecost and miraculous gifts were granted to Christians to aid them as the number of true believers began to grow and establish congregations. However in his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul clearly points out that these gifts would be done away with. "Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." The evidence is that with the death of the apostles, these gifts stopped being transmitted, having served their purpose because by that time the books of the Bible which had been inspired by holy spirit had been completed. Nothing new needed to be added to an already perfect and completed book from Jehovah. But we do continue to learn from the past prophets as well as the apostles who followed closely the teachings of Christ, and the laws Jehovah has given us.

What is significant about Pentecost? This was a later name used to denote the Festival of Harvest. when first fruits were offered to Him. That fact is appropriate to our time, for there is no greater harvest at hand than the harvest of new believers of the teachings of Christ and his father, Jehovah. In turn, we too gather fruit for harvest to bring glory to God and His son.

Looking at the Prophets: Hosea

2008-01-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

Inspired by my son-in-law's journal, I have decided to look into the lesser known and read books of the Bible written by prophets. Following the book of Daniel, which contain a number of prophcies which relate directly to our times, is the book of Hosea.

We know practically nothing about the life or social status of Hosea. According to the Book of Hosea, he married the prostitute Gomer, the daughter of Diblatayim, at God's command. He lived in the Northern Kingdom in the period 740–725 BCE. Hosea's family life reflected the "adulterous" relationship which Israel had built with polytheistic gods. His children's names made them like walking prophecies of the fall of the ruling dynasty and the severed covenant with God. Hosea is often seen as a "prophet of doom", but underneath his message of destruction is a promise of restoration. The Talmud claims that he was the greatest prophet of his generation.

Restoration is vital to Christians today as each of us strive daily to be more like Christ in our actions and our thoughts. It is far from easy to imitate Christ, even though we are commanded to do so. Paul tells us, "Become imitators of me even as I am of Christ" (1st Corinthians 11:1) Speaking figuratively of the restoration by Jehovah of his people who had strayed from Him, Hosea speaks to us as restored believers, who "...will certainly be collected together into a unity and will actually set up for themselves one head.." (Hosea 1:11) He goes on to promise to those restored to Jehovah, "...I will engage you to me for time indefinite, and I will engage you to me in righteousness and in justice and in loving-kindness and in mercies. And I will engage you to me in faithfulness; and you will certainly know Jehovah." (Hosea 2:19, 20) Consider all of the qualities God promises us we will have one we are restored to Him in a proper relationship: righteousness, justice, loving-kindness, mercy, and faithfulness.

Obviously, if we are to cultivate these qualities, we must also consistently demonstrate these qualities toward others in our daily life. Now, that is not too difficult when dealing with those with whom we already have a close and harmonious relationship. But, if we are to be truly restored to Jehovah, we must also demonstrate these same qualities with those who fall short of our expectations or even are in direct opposition to us. There is the rub, as Shakespeare might say.

But, Hosea does not leave us desolate and discouraged if we have not proven true to the qualities Jahovah has called us to emulate. He ackowledges that his people will stumble and even fall short. Hosea tell us that Jehovah calls to us. "Do come back, O Israel, to Jehovah your God, for you have stumbled in your error. Take with yourselves words and come back to Jehovah. Say to him...may you pardon error; and accept what is good." (Hosea 14: 1, 2) The promise continues with these words: "I shall heal their unfaithfulness. I shall love them of my own free will..." (Hosea 14: 4)

In his closing words, Hosea asks, "Who is wise, that he may understand these things? Discreet, that he may know them? For the ways of Jehovah are upright, and the righteous are the ones who will walk in them; but the transgressors are the ones who will stumble in them." To walk in them connotes action on a daily basis, making these qualities an everyday part of our lives. To stumble in them indicates a need to improve our way of thinking, speaking, and acting alligned with the examples of Jehovah and His son, Jesus Christ. This is a work in progress that will take a lifetime of effort and patience, but it is achievable because we know God promises not to ask of us more than it is possible to do.

Stormy Weather

2008-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

What a week it has been for us in northern California! We have had five inches of rain, strong winds, loss of phone service, and now frequent electrical outages. That is why I have not been writing in my journal. Last night we had a three hour low voltage brownout with just a trickle charege, enough to allow a glow barely visible from our lamps. So we unplugged all our electeical appliances and went to bed. Today we have had four brief power outages but the last of the storms have come through and we have a dry week ahead in our forecast. Hopefully things will settle down.

Storm of the Decade

2008-01-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

I have not written for two days due to the three day storm we have experienced here in northern California. They are now calling it the storm of the decade. We had a total of nearly four inches of rain, sustained winds (on Friday) of forty-five MPH with gusts up to seventy, and power and phone outages. We even had thunder and lightening...a rarity here...on Saturday. Today we awoke to sun for an hour or so but now it is cloudy and we are expecting more rain...mostly passing showers.

Yesterday we found that our land line was out and we could neither call out or receive calls (I used my cell phone to call our neighbor and ask her to call us). Then I spent a very frustrating hour and a half attempting to reach ATT to report the problem with our phone. First, I tried the number given in our bill. I reached a person in India (I could tell by the sound of his heavily accented voice coupled with a cacophony of voices in the background). He gave me a nunber which directed me to a universal phone repair bank. He told me he could not help me. So back to ATT. First, I tried the internet but could not gert past the required password which I did not have and could not get through registering for one. It simply would not allow me to do so. Using my cell phone I called the new service line which took me through a chain of "push this number". The first time the computer voice gave to repair the problem would be Tuesday because of all the service calls caused by the storm.

Here is where it gets very interesting. Just before four AM this morning my husband was awakened by the sound of our doorbell. Half asleep, he opened the door to find a very tall Petaluma policeman standing there. He asked who lives in our house. My husband answered, "My wife and I." The policeman said, "I need to see her." When my husband turned and began walking away, the policeman said, "Sir, I need you to let me in. I will accompany you to your wife." My husband walked into the family room adjacent to our bedroom and called to me to wake up, put on a robe, and come out because a policeman was here. In a fog, I did as he said. When I came up to the door of the family room I was greeted by a very tall policeman whose hand was on his pistol in his holster. He appologized for waking me and explained that the Petaluma Police Department had been receiving 911 calls from our house but when they called back all they heard was static. That is why they sent the officer and why he demanded to see me. He wanted to be sure I was alright and not the victim of foul play.

Now the thing we cannot figure out is how our nonfunctioning phone dialed 911 automatically and why it did so. We unpluggged all our land line and digital phones to stop the system from dialing 911. I called ATT this morning and this time I spoke directly with the repair representative. I told her what happened and that the police department wanted the peoblem resolved. She said the earliest they could come was Monday. However, two hours later, the ATT repair truck arrived and began working on the problem.

Keeping Our Children Close

2008-01-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Parents have a great reponsibility to train up their children according to the ways of God. It is a responsibility that does not end at a certain age. It is a lifetime responsibility. We just recently returned from a visit with our daughter and family in Texas. Our daughter, Monica, is going to be thirty-eight in June. She and Sam have been married since June 2003. Monica has a fifteen year old son, Connor, from her first marriage and she and Sam have a toddler, Elijah, who is nearly two and a half.

Sam and Monica work very hard to train up their children according to the ways of God. This is no easy task. There is the challenge of reaching the mind and heart of a teenager. There is the careful balancing required by Sam as a step father who is attempting to take the spiritual lead in the teaching of Connor in spiritual matters. There is the physical stress of a busy, daily life for Monica as she attempts to keep a household runnung smoothly, keeping the household and business accounts, caring for an energetic toddler, getting Connor to and from school, preparing meals, and running errands. There is sleep deprivation for both Sam and Monica as they cope with not enough time in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done.

So many couples cope with these things every day as they struggle to hold the family dynamic in the world today. Without the guidance and support of the creator, this would be a daunting task. Both Sam and Monica at times find themselves overwhelmed and even discouraged. It is hard for them to see first hand the progress they are making. But as an observer in their home during our visit, I can clearly see that they are doing well and deserve praise for all they are accomplishing.

Their success is the due to their relationship with God and their determination to continue following the guidelines in the Bible for training their children in the ways of God. As a result, their children can say as David did, "Make me know your own ways, O Jehovah; teach me your own paths. Make me walk in your truth and teach me." (Psalms 25: 4 and 5)

An essential attribute for a teacher is patience. This is not an easy attribute to cultivate. It is only human for us to want to see immediate results...obvious successes. But God's timetable is not our timetable. And we can be most thankful that He is so patient with us. "Jehovah is not slow respecting His promise...but he is patient with you..." (2nd Peter 3:9) As teachers, especially, we should imitate God in his patience when teaching, whether it be our children or those we are teaching the Truth. Sam feels especially discouraged but when talking about this frustration with him, I pointed out that he should continue his daily Bible studies with Connor even though he thinks Connor is not listening or taking active participation in the discussion because only God can see into Connor's heart. As a teacher, I cannot say how often a student has said to me years after being in my classroom how much he learned from me, even though I thought he had not heard a word. Persevere in all things to God's glory.

Daily Thoughts of God

2008-01-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

We are told this is a new age of enlightenment. People seek meaning in life and fresh understanding. But, instead of searching for something new, why not return to something familiar, even traditional, with a fresh veiwpoint? Our Creator has left us a carefully worded blueprint to follow for a successful, meaningFULL life. How much simpler life would be if we would simply look to that blueprint on a daily basis.

Today, I want to consider virtue. Many consider this an old fashioned word. Perhaps even a term indicating weakness. Virtue used to be so clear-cut. It was a term equated with honesty, loyalty, chasteness, and honorable behavior. In today's society, people feel justified in choosing their own values, like choosing groceries in a supermarket. Sadly, Virtue is rarely chosen as one of those values.

Sense of right and wrong is an essential component of virtue. As a teacher spanning a career of nearly forty years, I have personally witnessed tremendous changes in the attitudes of my students regarding their sense of right and wrong. In recent times, increasingly most young people I have had contact with have no idea what I was talking about when discussing how a sense of right and wrong guides how a person thinks and behaves. No wonder our world as we know it today is in so much turmoil!

In earlier times, the Church gave us instruction regarding the importance of maintaining our virtue. Sadly, many churches no longer teach moral guidelines. Rather than upholding righteous principles, they have made themselves part of the world and its evils. The Bible speaks of our present times in the book of 2nd Timothy where it foretold the present moral breakdown, including a lacking of virtue. "In the last days times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money...disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection...without love of goodness, ...headstrong...lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.." (2nd Timothy 3:1-5) Virtue has no place in such a world.

So, what must we do to maintain virtue in a world so corrupt? We need to live life daily as if walking side by side with Christ. How differently we would speak, act, and think if we were walking with Him. In the letter to the Philippians, Paul wrote these encouraging words: "...whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are loveable, whatever things are well spoken of, whatever virtue there is and whatever praiseworthy thing there is, continue considering these things." Peter also gives us encouragement when he wrote: "...supply to your faith virtue, to your virtue knowledge, to your knowledge self-control, to your self control endurance, to your endurance godly devotion, to your godly devotion botherly affection, to your brotherly affection love. for if these things exist in you and OVERFLOW, they will prevent you from being either inactive or unfruitful. " (2nd Peter 1:5-8) Cultivate what is virtuous and you will be fruitful in all that you do, all to the glory of God.

2008...a new year Begins

2008-01-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

It has been quite some time since I have written in this journal. One of my resolutions for this new year is to write daily and to continue my narrative of my family history in a second journal of mine, titled "Presence of Mind".

This past year has been so violent and troublesome. If each of us could practice the concept of peace within our own heart, the world would know greater peace. It is the little actions done on a daily basis that can make all the difference. At the age of 63 (soon to be 64 in February), I have come to realize that searching for the deeper meaning in life has to start with the little everyday things. Thinking before I speak. Considering the needs of others before my own. Seeking God every day with every word and deed.

I am convinced that the cell phone, modern communication, and immediate gratification has led man down a slippery slope. Remember, when I was a child in the forties and fifties, life was so simple. There was no internet, cell phones, Blackberries, and all the other gadgets that keep us connected twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We did not shorten our words or our thoughts because we were so busy...we took time to talk directly to each other or to write to each other. Because we could not reach a loved one immediately, we considered our words and deeds carefully, knowing the time we did have together was to be cherished. I admit I do have a cell phone and make use of the internet, but I do not leave my cell phone on and limit my time on the computer. I truly do believe what has made this nation so self-serving is the demand for immediacy in every facet of life. As a result, many do not know how to wait....whether waiting on God or pondering what to do in life or even deciding what to do tomorrow or next weekend. That is what makes a person cut in front of you on the freeway, only to get off at the next exit or be unwilling to give you time to consider their words.

Take time to reflect. Take time to see your surroundings. Take time to remember what your loved one's face looks like. Take time to wonder in the everyday. Time is not meant to be spent quickly but to be savored for every minute aspect of one's being.

2006-10-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

New Born Elijah and Big Brother Connor

One Life Gone...A New Life Created

2006-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

As I said yesterday in my entry, there have been many changes. There is the loss of Bryan. There is also the birth of a new grandson, Elijah. Monica was six months pregnant when Bryan passed. Elijah was born in Houston, Texas on July 28th to Monica and her husband, Sam. Connor was there to meet his hours-old new baby brother. I took the picture of them in the hospital room. Elijah has brought much happiness to us all, but especially to Connor. He has always wanted a brother. They are very close and I do feel having Elijah in his life has made the pain of losing a father much less painful for Connor.

We all know children are a blessing but this is especially a blessing, not only to the parents but also to Connor. He is the perfect big brother. They play together and laugh together. Elijah is a gift from God, without a doubt. I know there are still painful issues within Connor, many of which Connor has yet to confront. That will happen in time as Connor grows older and more reflective. And as for me, well it goes without saying that having two grandchildren and being able to see them on a regular basis is the best of all blessings for me.

Changes in the Wind

2006-10-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I made an entry to my running commentary. Since my last entry much has happened. My grandson, Connor, is now living permanently with his mom. He had been living with his dad until a year ago in March in Memphis. His dad, who had recently
turned 40, went out for a jog. When Connor wondered why he was late getting back from his run, he went outside to look for him. He found him lying on the front lawn and unresponsive. He went to a neighbor's house to call 911. Bryan never revived and was pronounced dead 30 minutes after arriving at the emergency room.

I had not seen Bryan for nearly ten years. Just three days before he died, while my husband and I were visiting in Houston with our daughter, I drove back to Memphis with Monica to return Connor to his dad following Connor's stay with Monica for spring break. Bryan came to the passenger side of our car, leaned in to hug me, and tightly squeezed my hand. He said nothing and smiled when I told him how happy I was to see him.

My point is that we must never think we will have one more chance to see someone we care about before they are gone from us forever. Time is too quirky to believe that. We must make every effort to talk to those we care about, visit with them in person if possible, and never allow negative experiences or an apparent rebuff to cause us to turn away from contact. I don't know if Bryan had some sort of premonition or if he was simply glad to see me again after all the years since he and Monica had divorced. I will never know. But I do know that the moment of connection with Bryan was very special and I am so grateful to have had it before his untimely death.

2005-01-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

Goodbye to Jack, Our Best Friend

The Loss of a Loved One

2005-01-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a difficult day. Our daughter called us early. She was in tears. Her cat, Jack, had been hit by a car. Monica's husband found him outside in the street. They buried him in the back yard with his favorite toy and blanket. They plan to plant a tree in memory of him, perhaps a lilac.

Now some people feel that mourning the passing of an animal is foolish. But those of us who love animals and have known them as a part of the family know better. The mourning process is just as it would be at the loss of a human member of the family.

AN ODE TO JACK

He walked on great velvet paws with a grandeur all his own
No one doubted his destination nor the purpose of it
Jack's eyes shone with a depth of knowing beyond this world
As he surveyed his kingdom all about him

His purr was unique, deep and growly like a tiger
His voice called to all with a royal kind of roar
His ripply, rolly tummy joyously announced his wealth
Of love and good times and long langurous naps

Jack will be missed by all those who knew and loved him
No other feline could take his special place
He forever will be remembered
For the playful little kitten who became a lasting friend

As a New Year Approaches

2004-12-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I last posted in my journal. First, I became busy with preparations for our cruise to Hawaii. Then, before I knew it, Thanksgiving rolled around and I received the most incredible news from my daughter. She is pregnant! I never dreamed I would hear those words. She and Sam have been married nearly a year and a half. The baby is due July 24th. At last I can be part of this wonderful miracle. When she had her first child, who is now 12, she was in Germany where her first husband was stationed in Frankfurt and he was born there. Arno and I went there to be present for the birth but she wound up being late and we could not change our flight plans to return home. Consequently, he was born ten days after we left. But now I can be there before, during, and after the birth of our second grandchild. The doctor says she is doing well and the baby is showing all the signs of being a healthy fetus. So that was the best possible early Christmas present ever, not to mention the best possible Thanksgiving I could have! Now a new year approaches. It is hard to imagine the first four years of the millenium have already gone by. And what a year it has been. Sadly, too many young men and women have lost their lives in Iraq. Too many children have gone hungry in this wealthy nation. Too many seniors have had to choose medication over food. But through all that, there is also hope and joy and the dream of peace for all. Perhaps it is because of the imminent birth of a new grandchild, but I feel this year will be better for the people of this planet. Positivity will win out over negativity. People will come to realize all the good things life affords us...things we cannot buy or covet or take from another. These are the little things we so easily overlook. We need to improve our vision and see the things closest to us that we so easily forget. Friendship, family, companionship, God's love. These are the things that sustain us and keep us safe. Remember, as you muse about the past year, to count your blessings. They always far outweigh the bad that may have come your way. You just have to clear your vision to see them and appreciate them for the miraculous gifts they are.

2004-12-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

River Pageant, Polynesian Cultural Center, Oahu.

2004-12-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

Aloha Tower, downtown Honolulu

2004-12-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

Grotto where Elvis was married on the island of Kaui

2004-12-26T13:13:00.000-08:00

Rainbow Falls on the island of Kaui, December 10, 2004

2004-11-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

Gary and in our playroom. You see the crib in back. We have matching coveralls. You can also see the rug of nursery rhymes I wrote about.

2004-11-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Gary and were ready for bed. We were five years old in this picture.

Memories of my Brother : Part 2

2004-11-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

Gary and I had many adventures as twins. We were each other's entertainment. One memory which is particularly strong happened when we were around the age of ten. One bright summer morning, I decided it was time for us to explore the world beyond the boundary of our fence and field. So I packed a few goodies in a tablecloth, tied a knot in the ends to make a backpack of sorts and talked Gary into going along with me. Of course, he immediately agreed.

We walked for a very long time. I realized we were pretty much lost. When we came across a railroad track, I had the brilliant idea to walk on the railroad ties, knowing they would surely take us to new and exciting places. We had heard the moanful cry of a train whistle every morning and evening from our house for as long as we could both remember. It called us to the mysteries of the world, as far as I was concerned.

We walked on the track for quite a while before coming upon a trestle crossing over a large creek. We started across, carefully stepping on each tie. We could see the creek bed far below in the spaces between the ties. We had gotten about two thirds of the way across when we heard a train coming. Panic filled my heart with dread. I knew we were in big trouble. I shouted to Gary, who was ahead of me, to run as fast as he could to the end of the trestle. I could feel the trembling of the trestle but did not dare look back for fear I would freeze and be unable to run. We both reached the end of the trestle and rolled down the embankment just as the train rolled past. The engineer was leaning out of the cab shouting and waving his fist.

All we wanted at that point at that point was to go back home. But we did not know which way home was. So we started walking down a gravel road, hoping to see a house or that someone would come by to help us. We were exhausted, hot, hungry, and very thirsty. I had lost our stash of goodies when running across the trestle. We heard a car approaching and turned toward the sound, waving our arms frantically. Then our hearts sank as we realized it was the county sheriff.

The trooper seemed very angry and we knew we were in big trouble. He asked if we were Gary and Judy. We hung our heads and nodded weakly, tears running down both our faces. The trooper put us in his car and took us home. I felt ashamed and wondered what punishment we would receive when I saw our parents standing in the driveway. Mother was crying and my father was read faced and silent. They thought we had been kidnapped again, as we had been when we were babies before they had adopted us.

I explained it was all my idea and that I had practically forced Gary to go along with me. Wonder of wonders, we were not punished. That almost made me feel even worse. I vowed I would never do anything that crazy again. Of course, that promise did not last long.

2004-11-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

Gary and I are wearing our first cowboy boots.We were six years old.

2004-11-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

Gary is on the counter and I am in the high chair. We were nearly three years old.

Memories of my Brother

2004-11-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

My niece from Ohio recently contacted me. She is one of two daughters of my twin brother, Gary. Now that she has lost her father, and more recently, her mother, she seeks a closer relationship with me. She tells me how much she sees of Gary when she looks at my picture.

I have written about the loss of my twin. It is a painful part of my memory, but an important one. I have decided to devote my journal to my memories of Gary and me as we grew up together and then, sadly, grew apart, in our adult life.

Gary and I were adopted together at the age of twenty-one months, following the death of our natural mother. We were told as soon an we could understand, the circumstances of our adoption and a few sketchy details about our natural family. In the forties, adoption was quite different from what it is today. If a couple had financial security and wanted a child, that was all that was required. No real background checks were made. Our adoptive parents would not have passed the scrutiny of today's world. They were both alcoholics. My mother was also mentally ill and drug dependent. I think they thought children would magically make all their problems go away.

But, as a child growing up in such a situation, neither of us realized anything was wrong. To us, our lives were normal.

We grew up in a home then out in the country near Omaha, Nebraska, and less than a mile from Father Flannigan's Boy's Town. Gary and I both had vivid imaginations and even developed a language of our own which sounded like nonsense to outsiders but made perfect sense to us. Gary had physical disabilities including being cross-eyed and mildly retarded. I think now his problems would have been diagnosed as learning disabilities.

As babies, he was the aggressive twin. He loved to grab handfuls of my hair and yank, often removing clumps at a time. But as we grew older, our relationship improved. We were each other's best friend and playmate. We were rarely apart.

My earliest memory of us is when we were still in cribs. We would stand up at the foot of the crib and rock back and forth to make the cribs move across the room. I also remember special linoleum in our playroom that had various childhood rhymes and pictures on it. We were rarely apart. We were each other's world in every way.

When we were five, our mother enrolled us in dancing lessons. We took ballet and tap. We went to lessons every week and even appeared in recitals. I remember how hurt I felt when I overheard the teacher telling my mother that I could never seriously pursue ballet because I had weak ankles and underdeveloped leg muscles. It made me angry to think that this person could determine what I could or could not do. Gary liked tap dancing more than ballet, probably because all the boy did in ballet was hold the girl's hand while she twirled.

We attended school in a rural one-room school house, much like Little House on the Prairie. My memories of that time, kindergarten through fifth grade, are among my favorites. Learning was magical for me and because it was a one-room school, I could advance to the level I belonged rather than be boxed in to one grade level of learning at a time. It was then that I first became aware that Gary and I differed. He had had an operation to correct his "lazy" eye, but that did not seem to improve his ability to read or learn. I quickly moved ahead of him academically and at once became his defender in the school yard. Gary was often teased unmercifully by the bigger boys. One time, he was running and not looking where he was going. He ran into a tree, broke his glasses, and cut himself. The other children gathered around, laughing and calling him names. I pushed through the crowd, punching and screaming, telling them to leave my brother alone. From those elementary years and on through high school, I kept my eye on him, protecting him from the bullies of the world.

I miss Gary more than words can say. It is not something I find easy to talk about. I cannot explain the loss I feel, as if something vital to my being were cut away. I don't think that missing part of me will ever be healed. But I prefer not to forget my special connection to Gary. We were twins. As long as I live, Gary also lives.

2004-11-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

My brothers Terry and Pat (Pat has the dog) in my Terry's home in Arkansas this summer

2004-11-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

My daughter Monica and her husband Sam, the happy couple!

2004-11-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

My sister Shirley and I in Arkansas a year ago. She is the one who found those of us who had been adopted

2004-11-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

Arno and I in May 2004 on cruise to Alaska

Parenting in the millennium

2004-11-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

I have been giving thought to the difficulties parents of today face in raising their children. A young woman I know is facing the same dilemma as many young parents do today. She works full time, home schools her son, cares for a toddler, and feels she is not doing enough. I worked full time while being a parent, too, but times were different in the 70's and 80's when we were raising our daughter. There was less stress, less worry about someone harming our child when she was not in our sight, and a general feeling of security that does not exist today.

I would not want to be a parent today, the way things are now. But I do wish I could assure this young mother that she is doing a phenomenal job of parenting. I see how tired she is and how sometimes things just don't seem to be going as she would like. She worries that she is failing in some way. But I don't think she is failing at all.

I know others her age who are so self-involved that they don't really think about the things they need to be considering when it comes to their children. They let TV and video games be the teacher to their children. They don't talk to their children. They don't spend real time with their children in activities the child enjoys. Instead they drop their children off to sports or gymnastics or dance classes rather than stay and be a part of what their children are doing.

I am glad this young mother feels so strongly about her children and what is happening in their lives. That takes a great deal of effort in her busy, demanding life. I know when her children look back as adults, they will realize what an awesome parent she is.

It is said that children are our future. As a teacher, a parent, and a grandparent, I know that this is an irrefutable fact. If the adults of this world take time to invest in their children in a personal, meaningful way, the world of the future will change. Those children will take responsibility for their actions, care about others, and understand that what they say and do each day of their lives does effect the world around them. If our children are positive minded, self-reliant, and willing to take responsibility in a personal way for their actions, the world will be affected in a positive way both in their present and in the future to follow them.

Parenting is a huge responsibility and it is only natural (and healthy) for the parent to feel he or she is at times failing at this task. But effort will pay off. If it all seemed easy and effortless, then we would be failing as parents. So, to this young woman and all the other men and women like her who are struggling with parenthood, I congratulate you on your efforts and encourage you to continue what you are doing. Certainly, some mistakes will be made along the way, but the end result will be worth all the effort.

California Sunshine

2004-11-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

We have been having quite a bit of liquid sunshine (what Californians call rain) in the last few days. In other parts of the country that could be cause for depression, but here it is reason for celebration. We see no rain along the northern California coast from mid-April until mid-October or early November. That is why California is called the Golden State. The grass covered hills turn a dusty gold and stay that way until the rains come. Then a miracle occurs and the hills turn the most incredible vibrant green you could imagine. When the rest of the country experiences a shut-down in nature, we experience new life and with it renewed hope for a better tomorrow.

I am hopeful our world and especially this nation will experience a similar phenomenon as we do in northern California this time of year. The election is over. The outcome does not matter as much to me as what we do from this point on. There has been a great deal of dialogue about a divided America: divided by religion, divided by demographics, divided by race, divided by political points of view. And while we are divided, young men and women are dieing in the streets of far off countries. Innocent civilian victims of war are losing their lives. Children are orphaned. These are not the things Christ would want. War is not fought by God. It never ceases to amaze me that each country claims God is on their side...whether Christian, Muslim, or any other form of human religion. However, I beg to differ with the point of view that God is on any side of war. The righteous war does not exist.

There is a song by the Beatles called "Imagine". Its lyrics are a mantra to me of what this world could be and should be if we did not allow politics or religion to muddy the waters of humanity.

Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

Many undoubtedly will say these lyrics speak of an impossible scenerio. But without dreamers, such as myself, this world would give itself over to utter destruction. I do not believe the Creator would want that. That is why He gave us dreams in the first place. Let us hope as time goes by that we, the people of the world will take the words of this song to heart and the world will truly live as one.

Return to my Journal

2004-10-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

I am back from my visit with my sister in Ohio and took some time to rest and repair my body from the trials of travel on a plane and sleeping in an unfamiliar bed. The time I had with my sister was wonderful. Five years is too long to go between visits. We had a chance to talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company. She totally spoiled me, not allowing me to lift a finger no matter how much I protested. It is not easy for me to allow someone to dote on me but I must admit I enjoyed it thoroughly. My sister seemed happy and more fulfilled than I have known her to be since the death of her husband. She has finally moved beyond grief and found new life. She has even allowed someone new into her life. I am glad for her.

When I returned home, a letter came from one of my former students at the high school where I taught. Let me share with you part of that letter...

"...you have done a lot and touched a lot of people's hearts with your encouragements. It seems to me that you have done everything that you ever wanted. You are a great person, teacher, and role model. I want to thank you for everything that you taught me in the two years that I was in your class."

I share this letter because it touched me and I know it would do the same for any teacher you may have had in the past who touched you in some way. Teachers who truly love what they do need to know their efforts made a difference. It is more important than a raise or having one's name in the paper or being given some award.

I am familiar with the saying, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach." How untrue that saying is. I have often wondered who coined that phrase and what the motivation was behind it. Teachers...true teachers...are a very special group of people who are given a calling to teach. It takes more than an education and training. It requires a special quality within that person. It has been a natural part of myself and a drive within me since I was a child to teach. So let that special teacher in your life...everyone has at least one such individual...know how you feel.

Visiting My Sister

2004-10-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

I leave for Lancaster, Ohio on Monday to visit my sister, Marlene. We visit regularly on the phone but have not seen each other face to face for several years. In the past few months I have increasingly felt a strong need to spend some time with her. Our sisterly experience is somewhat unusual. As I have said in earlier journals, we were not raised together. My twin and I, the youngest of eight, were adopted when we were less than two years old. My next brother and sister were also adopted by a different set of parents. All of this happened because of the death of our natural mother a few months after my brother and I, the twins, were born.

My sister and I have only known each other for the past thirty years and have spent only a few times together, either when I visited her or she visited me. So in one way we know very little about each other, even though we are both in our sixties now. Even so, we feel close and have found a special bond. The past year or so there has been some kind of misunderstanding that has caused my sister to withdraw. I really don't know the cause but am determined to find out and heal the preceived wound she feels she has suffered. The last thing I want is for us to be less than sisters. I love her and I know she loves me. If I have done or said something that has truly hurt her, I want to heal that hurt. I want us to move beyond that hurt. I hope I can get her to hear me and put aside whatever it is that has put up a wall between us.

Family discord is such a sad thing. I have never really known what it is like to have family ties. I treasure the possibility. I hope anyone who reads my journal and has rifts in the family will do something to heal that rift. Don't wait for the other party to make a move. Love should be above the petty things of everyday life. Life is too short. I learned that the hard way when my twin died suddenly. I had let years pass by without keeping in contact. And there were no disagreements between us...just time and distance. If you can not love your brother or your sister, how can you love anyone else? How can you love yourself.

I will let you know how things go with my sister and me. I know just being together, face to face, will make a difference. I just want her to know I love her and nothing can come between us as sisters.

Poetry of Love

2004-09-26T10:28:00.001-07:00

We are old friends now as the sun nears its setting
Looking back on days long passed
Looking forward to quiet time together
Where Passion's heat no longer drives our love

Time is a friend, teaching us deeper meanings
Though our bodies move more slowly
Though our minds seek past remembering
We are still and ever, loving partners in a dance

When we were young, filled with tomorrow's dreams
Little did we know we would find such bliss
In a smile, a shared joke, a silent togetherness
All these things and more we together have discovered

Let you who are beginning your life journey together
Discover in time the truer joys of loving
That only time and shared memories bring
A golden glow in the evening of time shared with one another

Love is more than pleasures shared in moonbeam's glow
More than building a life togather
More than memories and keepsakes
It is all that life encompases in the love of a lifetime

The Strength of Love

2004-09-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

love is the tie that binds. It is not bondage, forcing one to comply to another's wishes. It is freely given and freely accepted. It binds by holding together no matter what may come. It does not question. It does not become easily provoked. It is above all forgiving and quick to forget the arrows of doubt which may attempt to attack those bound by love.

I have a wonderful son-in-law who loves my daughter with his whole being. He has brought her contentment and a safe place. He came into her life when she most needed him. His love binds her but does not hinder her. That is what is so remarkable about him. He works tirelessly to provide an environment which nurtures her artistic and spiritual growth. He holds her most dear and I know he would defend her against any enemy, whether physical or spiritual. Sam is a man of quiet ways and gentle persuasion. But within him is the heart of a giant. Now that he is part of our family, I know Monica will have the security and support she needs to keep her safe.

Sam is the son we would have loved to have. We are so glad our daughter met him, fell in love with him, and married him. There is no greater treasure parents can have than to know their child is being kept safe and is loved. We are growing old in years and know we cannot forever guard her from adversity. Now she has her champion and side by side they will fight the adversities life brings and grow old together. That is our wish for them.

Mothers and Daughters

2004-09-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

My daughter called this morning from Houston. She is my only child and the love of my life. It is always good to hear her voice. I hear her voice and am flooded with memories of her as a little girl with bouncing red curls and an inquisitive mind who was forever asking why.

All mothers think their daughters are remarkable. But my daughter has proven herself to be so. There has been within her a creative, free spirited being much older than her physical years and exceptionally sensitive to life around her. I sadly admit there were times I tried to stifle her outspokeness and questioning of authority. I thought she needed to curb her remarks and be more respectful of those adults she would question. I was wrong. I can see that now. Thankfully, my efforts to rein her in were unsuccessful.

Now as an adult, those qualities which I once found troubling, are the ones that make her so remarkable. Anyone who comes to know her recognizes that she is enthusiastic about life and unaffraid to tell others what she thinks. She is a crusader for the downtrodden, offering help in a tangible way rather than just spouting words of indignation. She will go out of her way to bring food to the homeless person who stands daily at a freeway entrance ramp and then engage in conversation. She sees each person as an individual, not some invisible nameless person. She feels driven to do more than what is expected of her. She is remarkably artistic but wants to use this talent as a tool to bring others closer to the Creator. She can become righteously indignant when she sees wrong being done.

I say all these things about her with much pride. My daughter has a great gift to give in a world filled with meaness and incredible cruelty. She is a shining example of all that is good and worthy in mankind. I cannot attribute all her good qualities to anything her father or I have done. She is truly a gift from God. I am most thankful that we were given the opportunity to see her become the remarkable adult she has become.

Grandparents' Day

2004-09-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Today is National Grandparent's Day. We just got back from going out to dinner with our neighbor two houses down and her son who is eleven. We met last summer when we had a garage sale which they attended. Since then, Jordan, the little boy, has adopted us as his grandparents.

We have a grandson, Connor, who is a year older than Jordan. But Connor lives in Tennessee and we rarely spend time with him, usually a week at Christmas or Easter and a week or two in the summer when he is with his mom. Since their divorce, Connor's father allows us little or no communication with Connor for reasons beyond our comprehension. He had remarried and separated himself from us even though we had never spoken ill of him.

Jordan has two sets of grandparents but is not close with any of them. That is why he adopted us. He comes over frequently to eat candy, joke around with us, sometimes has me help him with homework, but most importantly to play Game Boy and Play Station II with my husband. We enjoy him tremendously. It makes the pain of seeing so little of our only grandchild less difficult.

There have been efforts in recent years to get the courts to intercede with divorced parents who deny visiting rights to grandparents. Recently the Supreme Court decision was made that grandparents do not have specific rights to visitation when one of the parents is not in agreement. There are efforts again being made to have the courts reconsider that decision. I perfectly understand if the grandparents are drug addicts or living a life style that would be harmful physically or emotionally to the grandchild. But if that is not the case, why should grandparents be denied seeing their grandchildren, spending reasonable periods of time with them?

It is a sad commentary on today's society that such things are happening. Grand parents serve an important function. They are a historical resource for family background. They are often a stabilizing influence in a chaotic world. They are a cushion of love and support for children going through difficult times. They are a source of comfort to parents as well when circumstances or situations arise in the rearing of a child and a reasonable voice of experience is needed. And just as important to the child is a realization of what grand parents need too. As one grows older, there is a greater need for interaction with the young. It is beneficial in both directions for there to be interaction between grand parents and grand children. It is my hope that this fact will be realized and the Supreme Court decision will be overturned.

In the meantime, I miss the time I could be spending with Connor. I know my husband feels just as strongly as I do. In fact, it angers him to be denied time with our only grandson without being given a reason or even an opportunity to talk about the situation with Connor's father. It feels as though a great chunk of our life has been surgically removed without cause. We hope with the passing of time that Connor's father will allow him to come spend time with us once he is older. That would make us very happy.

Early Morning Contemplation

2004-09-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

I love the early morning. The house is quiet. A cool breeze gently brushes past me from an open window. I hear the birds in the back yard chirping. It is a time of hopefulness and new beginnings. Sweetie, our cat, is snuggled up in bed with my husband, Arno. So the house is mine entirely. There are no chores calling to me. It is my favorite time of the day.

I try to push away thoughts of tomorrow...the anniversary of 9-11. The images of planes crashing into the Twin Towers and the resulting burst of explosions and flame still shake me. It is hard to believe it has been three years and yet it seems so long ago at the same time. I am also troubled that the Republican Party has chosen that particular horrific memory to be their backdrop for the re-election of President Bush. To me that should be a moment to be kept separate from politics. I will forever remember standing in the kitchen at about 6:20 in the morning, watching a few minutes of news on the television before heading off to work, and seeing the Twin Towers billowing black smoke and then a second plane crashing into the buildings. It was a moment totally incomprehensible. The hours and days following the attack were filled with shock and an intense sadness. I could not stop crying. It still brings tears to my eyes. And I realized immediately, once I knew what had happened, that the lives of Americans were forever changed.

I do find immense comfort in my early morning quiet. It is reassuring to hear the birds and the muted sound of traffic from the freeway which no longer calls me to a day of teaching. I delight in the time I now have for myself. It is a time of contemplation too. I think of my daughter, far away in Texas. I whisper a prayer for my son-in-law, who works tirelessly to provide a good life for my daughter and himself. I send love to my only grandchild, far from me in Tennessee. I give thanks to Jehovah, the Creator, for giving me life and ask Him to forgive my short comings and give me ways to praise Him through the things I do and say. I also pray for the future of all the young people who struggle day to day in this difficult world we live in.

All in all, I have a good life, for which I am thankful. I have a good husband who loves me and keeps me safe. I have a wonderful family and good friends. Life is good. There is nothing I want or need to make me feel more complete. For that I count myself most fortunate.

Walking with Faith

2004-09-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Faith seems to be a hot topic these days. Religious fervor has grown tremendously in conjunction with the increasing violence of our world today. It does not seem to matter in what religion's "name" people display and nurture their faith. I reallly do not think that is what is important. A relationship with the creator is what is important. So many people seem to be searching for that relationship.

Demonstrating a personal faith is essential to that relationship. When I read the Bible's account of the activities of Christ when on the earth and of the mission he gave his followers, I realize that what was being taught was the need to have faith and to show that faith through a testimony to others. That testimony is more than words. Anyone can say they have faith and that others must have faith. Anyone can say do as I say because I am a good Christian, or Muslim, or Jew, or any of a mysriad of religious groups and institutions. But what seems to be the underlying key is the WAY YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Many religious people feel they must promote one particular religion as the ONE WAY to reach the creator and to please Him. But if the Bible is any key, the way in which I live my life is the real key and the most difficult requirement. Many religious people point at the belief of another who appears to be different and condemn it as not being THE WAY. But didn't Jesus say, "Judge not that you be not judged."?

To me, true testimony is the way in which I live my life on a daily basis, always remembering my own imperfections rather than dwelling on my perceived imperfections of others. How can it be positive to tear down? Should we not not instead build up? How can it be positive to deride another's belief? Should we not show love on a personal one-on-one level in which we give without expectation of receiving?

Perhaps that is why I do not align myself with any one religious organization or group. I prefer to keep my relationship direct and personal. I do my utmost, given my imperfections, to live my life in a way that magnifies the goodness of the Creator. That is my testimony.

Circle of Love

2004-09-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

There is a circle of love in each person's life. That is the love of family, friends, and most importantly the love of the Creator. Sometimes life hands us setbacks and disappointment and sadness. But the circle of love is always there to keep light in our lives, no matter how dark the times may be. The world and its woes push in on us from time to time, seeking to obliterate all light. But there is a light within each of us...a spirit of illumination...more powerful than all the darkness the world may contain.

I found myself weeping yesterday when I saw the pictures of dead children who had been killed in a small Russian town. Their lives had been snuffed out in the name of political activism. What adults choose to do to each other is one thing, but the taking of innocent lives is inexcusable no matter what the cause. The world seems so full of violence and the ugly side of humanity. At times it is very hard to keep the light of love alive. But we must. As long as there is love, there is hope.

Some people think there is nothing we can do about the state of the world today. I would agree if it were left up only to humanity to stop the violence. But I know the Creator will not allow total darkness and its resulting hopelessness. We can do something about the state of the world today. But it requires faith in a higher creation and a willingness to wait on the spirit of goodness. In order for the spirit of goodness to thrive, each of us must do our utmost to let His light shine by the way we live our daily lives and the good we do for others. Such a little thing can result in great changes. Instead of thinking "What can one person do?", believe in the power of one multiplied by myriads. It will far outweigh the dark side of humanity.

Keep the Circle of Love ever present in your life and in your daily activities. Not just for those you love. That is the easy path. Love your enemies, too. No matter how fowl or wicked a person may seem, love that person as the Creator loves us. It will shrivel the cancer of wickedness and allow the light to shine in that person, too. Think of the love Christ showed to every human he encountered. Love without question or expectation. Love freely given. That is what will keep our circle of love intact and healthy.

Falling Leaves

2004-09-03T10:16:00.001-07:00

Now that September has begun, I consider it the beginning of a new year. That is probably because I had been a teacher for so long, and a student before that. I see students walking past my house in the morning, on the way to school. The air seems crisp with expectation. It is my favorite time of the year.

I look back on this first year of my retirement and realize that it was a time of rest and regathering for me. I have found this to be both refreshing and introspective. It has provided time for me to assess my life. I have found it to be a good life. Teaching brought me great satisfaction and a feeling that I had done some good in the lives of others. I just sent out a letter to students who have graduated from high school and were students of mine. It is a kind of tradition I started in 1998 when the first graduates of the high school where I taught left to go on to careers and college. Each August I send a letter of encouragement, telling them to keep following their dreams, no matter how long it may take to attain them.

Now I start a new year for myself, too. I want it to be a year of new things. I want to pursue my love of writing and art. I realize I need to follow the advice I so freely give my daughter: set aside time each day which is solely devoted to that pursuit. Now my time of rest is over. It is time I pursue my dreams, too.

This is also a symbolic time of falling leaves. It is not the end of things, but rather the beginning of things. Leaves fall from the tree in order to make way for new growth to come. This is true for humans as well. There is no end. Only new beginnings. The Creator uses each of us, no matter how small it may seem, as part of His grand scheme of things. We often cannot see this for ourselves. That is where faith comes into the picture. Nothing of the Creator is negative. Even our sometimes seeming failures have a reason for being. If nothing else, failings keep us humble and pliable. We only need to be available to be of use to the Creator. Humans tend to be impatient. Remember a thousand years is but a day in the grand scheme of things.

Falling leaves do not mean the end of a cycle. There are no endings. Only beginnings. If we can keep that in mind, we will be more patient with ourselves and with others. Slow down. Let things happen. Believe good comes from everything. Most importantly, to God give the glory.

At this time in my life, I recognize the changes in my body. I rise more slowly in the morning, tire easily, seek sleep more often. But it is not a sad time for me. I realize that these changes afford me the opportunity to take time for myself, appreciate the little things I used to not notice because of a too-busy life style, and see my frailties as badge of my years. There is too much about my life that is good to prevent me from feeling sorry for myself. My only regret is what I could have done that I did not do for others.

Olympics

2004-08-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

Now that the Olympics have started, I probably won't log in to my journal.

School Daze

2004-08-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

September is rapidly approaching as well as the beginning of my second year away from the classroom as a teacher. My husband teases me about getting ready to go set up my classroom, which I traditionally started on the closest Monday to the 15th of August. But, honestly, there is not the slightest urge on my part to return to the classroom.

On the other hand, there is a tradition which I do look forward to continuing. For the past seven years, every August I send a letter of encouragement to those students I have taught who have graduated from high school. Through the years I have lost a few who have moved and left no forwarding address. Each year I hear from many of them. Sometimes there are gaps of a few years between replies. Often there are letters thanking me for the encouragement and telling me how much they look forward to hearing from me in August and at Christmas when I send a greeting their way. These letters and cards are sent the old fashioned way, by snail mail.

Those who know about this tradition of mine are amazed, saying they never had a teacher who did that. Why do I do this? The answer is simple. Through the years of my teaching career I came to realize that many of my students had no one tell them, "I believe in you." I have always and will always believe that each human being is unique with talents and experiences no other human can exactly duplicate. Success is possible for every human being but the key ingredient must be present: knowing that someone besides themselves believes in them.

Sometimes in the hurry of our very busy lives we forget to verbalize to those we love how much we appreciate them for who they are and support them in whatever they choose to do. Say this simply to the one you love without conditions or spoken reservations. We all need to make a habit of not only making affirmations to ourselves...out loud...but also make these affirmations to our loved ones on a daily basis as well.

Trials and Tribulations

2004-08-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

We all have bad days. Times when things seem to go wrong through no fault of our own. Thankfully it doesn't happen too often. My daughter and her husband have had more than their share lately, all having to do with their cars. It started back in late June. In preparation for driving to Tennessee to pick up her son for a summer visit, Monica took her car to be given a once over for the sixteen-hundred round trip and have the air conditioner serviced. The shop where she has been taking her car for quite awhile found several things needing attention which would cost over two thousand dollars...money they did not have. So she okayed the more important repairs to the radiator and had the airconditioner serviced. They picked up the car and drove home, a few miles from the garage. Later in the evening they were headed to the grocery store, but they didn't quite make it. Suddenly the car went dead. They pushed the Jeep Cherokee into a parking lot...no easy feat...and called for a tow back to the garage where the work had been done. They found out that the problem was the clamp connecting the radiator to the transmission had not been properly attached and they lost all the transmission fluid. The garage was able to correct the problem with no damage to the transmission and they were able to make the trip to Tennessee. Three weeks later, Monica and her husband were running some errands in his car when it would not start. So they had to have his car towed to the same garage where her car had been repaired. They thought it was the generator but were told it was the battery which was replaced. A few days after they had Sam's car back, they noticed a strong smell of gas and a puddle of gas from under Monica's car so they took her car in to the garage. She had noticed a few days before that her car made strange sounds when she turned on the airconditioner. The garage informed her that the compressor would have to be replaced. That alone would cost a thousand dollars. She decided she would have to live without airconditioning, not easily done in Houston, Texas, in August. The gas smell was coming from the fuel pump, which had to be replaced for nearly three-hundred dollars. Today she called on her cell phone, angry and frustrated. Her husband called to tell her his car would not start and asked her to come get him. That was an hour-and-a-half drive across town in heavy traffic. By the time she got to him, her husband discovered that the connections to the new battery were so loose he could hand-turn them without tools. Now they are wondering how this could be a coincidence in such a short time that these types of mistakes could happen in the same garage.

Nothing is more disconcerting than to think that people you trusted might now be taking advantage of a lack of mechanical knowledge and causing these incidents. They certainly don't want to think that is the case. For Monica's father and I, it is upsetting to see our kids struggle to make ends meet only to have these things happen. These days with the high cost of everything, it doesn't take much to push a young couple over the edge.

They are a resilient couple who put their trust in God and leave all things with them. I pray their days will get better and they will find the blessings hiding beyond these trials and tribulations.

For the Love of the Children

2004-08-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I admit I was channel surfing and came across Dr. Phil. His show was about families who are only able to communicate by shouting at each other and threatening to either do physical harm to each other or abandon the family. That brought a flood of memories from the past and also a feeling of thankful relief when I consider my life now.

My childhood was far from nurturing. My mother worked herself into a drunken fury by late afternoon every day. Her target was my father who sat silently drinking cold beer after beer while she screamed accusations and obscenities. As I grew older, I began to realize that her accusations were of unfaithfulness on his part. These delusions on her part intensified as I grew older. When the screaming grew too much for him, he would take my twin brother to a motel for the night, leaving me alone with my raging mother. She would keep me up all night, not allowing me to sleep, while she talked about her childhood and her innocence when she married my father at the age of nineteen. He was thirty nine. A year after they married, she said he was impotent and never made love to her again. She was always telling me over and over from my earliest memories as a child how babies were made by a boy putting his peepee inside a girl's peepee. I didn't know what she was talking about and it scared me. When my periods started, she began accusing my father of touching me. She even asked our family doctor to examine me to see if I had been molested. I was horrified! My father never even hugged me or gave me a kiss. He was always uncomfortable with closeness. The horrible fights went on nightly until my mother passed away in her sleep when I was sixteen. I was the one who realized she was dead. It was a hot summer night and I stayed up late watching a scary movie on TV. I suddenly became aware I could not hear her breathing. She was asleep on the couch as usual, after having drunk herself into a stupor. I reached out to touch her body. I will never forget the coldness of her skin. I knew she was dead. I woke my father and told him. He tried to wake her, then called an ambulance. I don't remember crying. I just went to bed. The funeral is a hazy memory. All I really remember is being led to her coffin by a family fiend who said I should say goodbye to my mother. I remember when I looked at her, I thought how beautiful and peaceful she looked, like an angel.

I am so thankful that my life has been so different from my childhood. My husband and I have never gotten into a verbal battle. He, too, came from a home in which screaming was the norm. We agreed to follow the Bible's admonition to never let the sun set in anger...Literally to never go to bed in anger, even if that meant staying up until we had talked out a disagreement rationally and calmly. My daughter never witnessed a verbal battle. Now, in her own marriage, she and her husband maintain the same Bible-based admonition.

It is so sad to see so many families in upheaval, even violence. Husband and wife raging endlessly in front of their children. Children verbally and sometimes even physically attacking their parents. Parents, for the love of the children, find ways to rationally talk out your differences and do so privately beyond earshot of the children. If nothing else, agree to disagree. And if after doing all you can to resolve your problems and being unable to do so, then move apart rather than subject the children to your endless battles. Children mimic adults and often began to mirror back to their parents the behavior of the parents. It can be a vicious, violent situation that results.

A Day of Rest

2004-08-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

Sunday is one of my favorite days. Today proved that to be true. We got up and read the Sunday paper together, commenting back on forth on the interesting news items, laughing over the comics, sifting through the myriad of ads and enjoying how much money we were saving by NOT buying the latest and newest of whatever was being pitched to us. All these years married...it will be 41 years on August 24th...and I still enjoy the company of my husband. He makes coffee and brings it to me. That is, of course, after Sweetie has been fed. The sun filters through the living room window and dapples us in gold. Birds can be heard outside greeting a new day. Generally the neighborhood is quiet except for the occasional passing of a car.

There can be so much going on around us and in our lives but our Sundays are our own. That is what makes them so luscious. My husband always manages to make me laugh in the morning. His quick wit is a delight. I never know what he may say or do which immediately sends me into childlike giggles. Isn't it oddly wonderful that after all these years, my life with him is still filled with surprises and unexpected twists? I must be the most fortunate of humans to have him in my life.

It really does not seem like we have been together this long and yet it seems as if we have always been together. Oh, he can be cranky at times and even momentarily exasperating. We are such opposites. I am the calm one always thinking the best of things whether it be about people or how the events of the day will eventually resolve. He can be easily excited and often expects the worst case scenario even before anything has gone wrong. But somehow we end up in the middle and all comes out as it was meant to.

But through it all, there is always Sunday. A day of ease and total lack of planning. The day is what the day is without any manipulation on our part. And so my Sunday wends its way to its end without struggle or an attempt to mold it to my wishes. Perhaps that is why the Creator declared there should be a day of rest. After all, who better would know that humans need a day that is not muddled by life and the inevitability that humans will find a way to mess that day up as they do all days they deign to force into their particular pattern. So,if you haven't done so already, give yourself Sunday as a Day of Rest. Go to God's house or play in the world He has given to us to enjoy. Just let go and give it a rest.

2004-08-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Sweetie Napping with my husband

Sleeping in Late

2004-08-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

I slept in late this Saturday. That is not my usual habit. But habits go by the wayside now in retirement. Our cat, Sweetie, was at the bedroom window at 6:45, meowing loudly and plucking at the screen with his claws like a tone-deaf celloist. I tried to ignore him but his persistance grew in intensity. Grumbling aloud, I got out of bed stiff and blurry-eyed and stumbled to the kitchen and out to the screened-in patio, and opened the door to let him in. He rushed past me without acknowledgement or even a thank you, as if he were on a mission of immense importance, as all cats do. I noted sleepily that the door on the screened patio did not have the chain lock engaged. That was unusual but my husband may have let Sweetie out that way earlier. Sweetie likes to go out at 3:30 in the morning. It never ceases to amaze me how he knows what time it is. I also noticed that my husband was not in bed when Sweetie woke me so I walked through the living room to see if he had gotten up early and was playing solitaire on the computer in the back room. Instead I found him sleeping in the back bedroom. That means I must have been snoring. That usually happens when I am really tired. Good thing we have a guest bedroom.

I wandered back to bed, crawled under the down comforter, amd fell asleep. That's something I rarely do. I woke up at 9:30! A day in the life of a retired school teacher seems pretty sweet to me. I love having no dayplanner filled with must-do's. There are no back to school nights or English department meetings or district committees on language arts standards or homework to grade. But I do miss the interaction with young questioning students who engage me in the great debates of the day.

Friday Night Fights

2004-08-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

A fond memory of mine centers arounf Friday Night Fights. It was one of the few opportunities I had to spend some one-on-one time with my adopted father. He really was more like a grandfather rather than a father because he was thirty years older than my adopted mother. I don't think he felt comfortable around girls. But I found a way to get closer to him by sharing a love for prize fighting. Now back in the late 50's TV was black and white, there were only two channels to watch, and the screen was small, often rolling horizontally, with little to add glitz and glamor.

Every Friday night, my father would watch Friday Night Fights. He would let me choose white pants or black pants (the "color" being worn by each fighter). It was our special time together. Sometimes the fights were brutal and blood flowed freely. There was rarely a stop called due to injury. The fight went on until somone could not get up or the scheduled number of rounds were completed. Sometimes the brutality got to me, but I never said a word because this time exclusively with my father was too important to me for me to bail out. I enjoyed everything about Friday Night Fights. The Pabst Blue Ribbon commercials, the ring girls who would circle inside the ring carrying a placard high above their heads to show what round it was, even the monotonous off-key sound of the bell calling the fighters back to another round.

I still watch the boxing matches on ESPN and HBO. But modern boxing is never as exciting as those days of my childhhood shared with my father. The point of this memory is to hopefully make fathers aware that their daughters need one-on-one time with their fathers. And it doesn't have to be doing things mothers might normally do with daughters. Quite the contrary, it is about doing things together that open communication and understanding between child and parent.

We live in such a busy world and are often stretched so thin that it seems as if all we can manage as an adult is making enough money to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But somehow enough time must be found by each parent to spend one-on-one time with each child individually. That investment now will pay back richly when that child becomes a teen and young adult who needs you to be the one approachable adult who will be there to listen and advise.

Try to find a tradition that is solely unique between you and child. It can make all the difference when difficult times threaten to separate child from parent.

2004-08-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

May 2004 My 60th Birthday Celebration

A Day in the Life

2004-08-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Each day begins as a blank page. I woke this morning to the sound of birds greeting the rising of the sun. My first awareness of my physical body was stiffness as I turned to my side. As I pulled myself to a sitting position, I smiled at the thought of those long gone days of youth when I could jump out of bed and begin my day effortlessly. A poet's comments come to mind...Youth is wasted on the young. I am not sure if I agree with that statement. Call me crazy but I truly do believe that the stiffness of my body and the silver hairs I see at my temples are badges of honor...a way in which my body reminds me that with age comes added wisdom that can only be gained by growing old in years. I don't feel "old" inside. I greet each day with expectation of the unexpected. There is always something new in the folds of a rose bud or the soft flutter of a butterfly passing my way.

I have met people half my age who are old internally. Their bodies no longer respond to the external stimuli around them. They fixate on their 24/7 schedule, deaf to the song of a bird, blind to the folds of a rose bud. These same people look at me and think how sad it is that I limp a little and tire easily. But who has the better quality of life? Who greets the day as new and full of expectation?

No matter how bad the previous day may have been, each new day begins fresh and filled with positivity. Looking back is counter productive. It is not what the Creator intended to be our focus. We all have bad days and experiences from the past that were dark and perhaps even destructive. Why bring those days back into focus? Past experiences have already passed into the void. Instead of thinking, "Why did this happen?", start the day by thinking, "Today is a blank page open and ready to be written upon." Open your eyes to the possibilities around you...the smallest of possibilities begin with an awareness of the Creator and His perfect creation around you. Begin your day with expectation of the unexpected.

Life does not have to be nearly as complicated as we think. Simplicity is the key. So many people these days fixate on what they think they must have to be "happy"...
a high-paying career, prestige, an expensive behemoth of a vehicle, a large house in an upscale neighborhood, membership in a healthclub, children enrolled in a private school. Yet they feel empty and unfulfilled at the end of a ten-hour day. How much more enjoyable can be a career that you enjoy doing, the love of family, simple adequate transportation, a comfortable little home filled with love, a walk in the evening greeting your neighbors, doing homework with the kids after dinner. The Good Life is not something you can buy or finance or lease. The good life is a feeling of satisfaction for a job well done and the love of those you love. Simplify and your life will be richer than you ever dreamed it could be. Start with tomorrow morning. Begin by expecting the unexpected.

Finding Joy

2004-08-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

The search for joy can be elusive. All around us we are inundated by media to find joy. But what is joy? It is not a commodity that can be purchased. It is not a precious jewel that can be discovered after a long exhaustive search. It cannot be taken from another. It cannot be inherited. It is within each of us from the first moment we draw breath. Yet, many of us are totally unaware that it is within us. We may spend our lives searching for that which will bring us joy, never realizing it was there within us all the time.

Remember as a child those magical moments when the shear wonder of life surrounded you as you watched a tiny ant struggling through the grass with what seemed an impossible load three times its size or a cloud above you took a magical shape that took you far away to a magical place?

As we become adults, we lose the ability to experience those magical moments. We stop dreaming and imagining and believing. We lose the joy of discovery. But we can find it again. One such moment of pure joy I experienced was when I stood in a jungle gazing at a Mayan ruin. I was completely alone. Unable to climb up into the ruins with my husband, brother, and sister-in-law and the rest of the tour group, I sat down on an ancient block of stone. It was so peaceful and beautiful. A pair of black butterflies tinged in scarlet circled over my head. I sensed being watched and turned my head to the left. Less than two feet away from me sat a large green Iguana. I experienced pure joy at that moment, as magical as any moment from my childhood.

Finding joy as an adult requires a willingness to be in the moment, open to the unexpected. You cannot plan for a moment of pure joy. It comes when you least expect it. It can be as simple as a cooling breeze on a hot, tiresome day or as overwhelming as the birth of a child. If we allow each day, no matter how difficult, to weigh us down, our spirit becomes dulled and we are unable to experience or even recognize joy. You can be rich materially and have no joy. You can be poor and maltreated and yet know joy in the smallest things because you are open to the experience.

How do you find joy in living after years devoid of any joy? Become a child again, opening your eyes to the minute wonders of life everyday. That requires slowing down. When is the last time you got up early enough to watch a sunrise? When is the last time you lay down in newly mowed grass and looked at clouds taking magical forms or watched insects moving in their own tiny universe?

The world as we know it today is hurried and demanding and dehumanizing. But we don't have to live our lives without joy. We can find our way back to the uncluttered, joyous life of a child. If we take time to be a child again in open wonder, then those dark days that come from time to time will not weigh so heavily upon us.

Sweet Smell of Success

2004-08-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

Success....What does it mean? Well it depends on each individual's idea of what seems successful to them. I have not really let the need for success be an important part of my life. Some say I am a Pollyanna...always seeing the best in things and never expecting the worst of anything or anyone. I guess that is because I am a survivor at heart and gladly take each day as it comes without expectations and thus without disappointments. In today's world, so many people agonize over what could have been...what might have been...what should have been. What a waste of energy and precious time! What really matters is how you live your life. Live it in the NOW. Forget the past. It is already beyond change. Don't obsess over the future. None of us can control what will happen before it happens. Instead greet each day as new and full of surprises. Even when things go wrong...as they will from time to time....there is a lesson to learn.

How my daughter hated to hear me say that. She would let her frustrations boil up in her and feel like the whole world was coming down on her. My answer was and is always the same...learn from mistakes...that is the only way you can turn something negative into something positive. Wouldn't life be a bore if everything went smoothly just as we planned it? I think so.

Today I got email from one of my old students. It fills me with joy to hear from them. 'Teaching was more than just presenting lessons. It was a way to touch lives and let lives touch me. So often we go blithely through life having no idea what impact we may have on others, be it positive or negative. We so often think no one notices what we do or hears what we say. But that is not true. Every word ever spoken, every deed ever done, is forever inscribed in the universe of time...a spiritual web of eternity. It does not matter how we see our world...whether in the hands of a divine creator or the natural stream of things...what we say and what we do does matter.

I am happy I had an opportunity to be a teacher. Although retired from the classroom, I am still and always will be a teacher. It as natural to me as breathing. People interacting with people is what keeps us unique from other life forms. The worst thing we can do is waste our individual talents or hide them under a basket where no one else can see. Don't be afraid to touch others and don't touch only those you know. Be willing to put yourself out on a limb by sharing yourself with others. Random acts of kindness is the best way you can reach out to those you don't know. Look for ways to show your humanity.

I could let these difficult times keep me from reaching out. There are so many reasons why. But I know each individual can make the world better by showing kindness to others without expecting anything in return. What goes around, comes around. Negative returns to negative. Positive returns to positive.

That is true success. Worth more than money or fame or anything else material in nature. No one can take away the good you do for others. No one can diminish you as a person.

All in the Family

2004-08-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have an unusual family. Why do I say that? Well, including my twin brother and I, there were eight brothers and sisters. While we were still infants, our mother died of cancer, leaving our father to raise us alone in 1944. He hired a housekeeper to care for all of the children. But she kidnapped us. The Nebraska state troupers caught her in Lincoln and returned us to our father. His relatives convinced him that he could not care for such a large family alone. For some reason, none of the relatives were able to step in, so it was decided that the four youngest should be put up for adoption. My twin brother and I were adopted by one couple and the next oldest brother and sister were adopted by another couple. At that time, Gary and I were 21 months old. Although Gary and I knew the circumstances of our adoption and that there were other brothers and sisters, we did not know our birth parent's name or any other specifics. It was not until I was 26 that my oldest sister contacted me and opened the door to my birth family. I learned that my birth father died two years before my sister found me. I have met all my brothers and sisters except for the second oldest brother who has chosen to separate himself from the family for reasons no one will reveal.

The circumstances of my adoption were not good. The four oldest brothers and sisters thought the babies who had been adopted lived rich, pampered lives while they lived barely making it with a hard working father in rural Arkansas who never recovered from the loss of his wife and babies. It was the sister who found me who told me this. In truth, my twin brother and I were adopted by a couple who had financial stability but gave little love. Their marriage was in turmoil, they were both alcoholics, and my adoptive mother was mentally ill. I grew up being told I was not wanted but in order to adopt my brother, they also had to take me. I don't ever remember hearing the words "I love you". But don't feel sorry for me. I grew strong and independant as a result. I loved school because it was a place where I could escape abuse and be happy. My father died when I was 16, nine months after my mother died. Family friends were appointed by my father to be our guardians when my father realized he was dieing. They were good to us and provided a home that was stable and welcoming. Then I met my husband right after graduatng from high school. He was and still is my Rock.

Yes, my family is unusual. Brothers and sisters who once were strangers are now close to me. It is as if we had never been separated. Only one is no longer with us. The first to pass into death was my twin brother. That happened in 1999. It has been hard for my brothers and sisters who never expected to lose the youngest one first. But my loss is even more painful. When one of a set of twins passes, a part of the other twin passes too. I am no longer a part of WE. Now it is only ME. This feeling of being halved is very hard to explain. I feel that he is still in me, a part of me. We had a shared language and an internal knowing of each others well being, both physically and spiritually. I recently visited three of my brothers in Arkansas. The oldest is 75, patriarch of the family and crusty as an old dog. How I love to hear his stories about the family and his many great adventures. My other two brothers are 63 and 71. My time with them is precious.

Keep close to your family. Don't let squables and misunderstandings and pride keep you from spending time with them. Nothing could be worse than to let time distance you and lose one of them to the unexpected call of death.

Trials of Separation

2004-08-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

It is so hard to say goodbye. Each summer my daughter has her son for five weeks. Today, she and her husband are returning him to his father. She loves her son and each time she returns him, she is so sad. It breaks my heart to see her so despondent. Divorce, for children, makes little sense. Even when the adults involved are better off apart, the children do not understand and feel somehow it must be something they have done.

I see a lot of anger in my grandson. As he gets older...he is 12 now...he will continue to feel angry and resentful towards both his mother and his father because he feels torn apart as he moves between them and is forced to make adjustments depending on which household he is residing in. When my husband and I were visiting them in their home this summer, we saw our grandson's flareups of anger and questioning of adult authority. Nothing extreme, but there was an underlying resentment. When she asked me for advice about how to handle these outbursts, I told her not to take his emotional outbursts too seriously because he is naturally in a time of emotional ups and downs that come as a result of the changes in his body as he transitions from boy to pre-teen. That just adds fuel to an already angry child working through divorce.

My daughter is a newly wed of just over a year. The blessing is that she has married a remarkable young man! He is so loving towards her and her son. He does not try to assert the role of "step-father". Rather he makes his presence felt as a caring, nurturing adult. My daughter is so blessed to have met him, accepted his unquestioning love, and married him. I really do believe he is the key to creating a happy environment which will help my daughter find her own peace as well as provide a positive, supportive environment for her son. Time heals all things. As humans, each of us must learn patience and the belief that the Creator will do all things for all seasons that our lives may encounter. That truth is still being unfolded to my daughter.

I think time is the great regulator. I could not have known that when I was my daughter's age...35. I was just as impatient and myopic as she when I was her age. I look back at my life now and am thankful that I met just as remarkable a man as her husband when I was 18. A year later, we were married. Now 41 years have gone by and I still wake each morning, reach out to him to reassure myself he is still by my side, and thank Jehovah that we are still together all these years. Oh, don't think there were no dark moments. But those days simply made us stronger and closer because we faced our trials together and weathered the tempests that came our way down through the years.

My greatest fear no longer exists. My daughter was alone for nine years after her divorce. She had become resigned to a single life with far too few days she could be with her son. I saw her spirit wither as she grew skeptical of ever having a meaningful, honest relationship. Although strong and self-supporting as a woman, I knew she wanted someone with whom she could share her love, generosity, and unimaginable spirituality. Isn't it wonderful how you find what you truly need and want when you stop looking and just let things happen? That's how it was for her. Her trial of separation was to let go and let things happen. When she did, all the good and wonderful things she had dreamed of came to her and continue to be revealed to her.

So now on this singularly most sad of days for her...Returning her son to his father...I am assured and want to assure her that the Creator will continue to bring blessings as a balm for her pain just as He has always done for me.

Sharing a lifetime

2004-07-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

At the age of 60 and retired from teaching after 36 years in the classroom, I find time to reflect on my life both refreshing and daunting. It has not been my habit to share my thoughts and feelings. I have always been introspective and hesitant to let my guard down. I am inspired by the internet journals of my daughter and my son-in-law. Teaching has been my great love all my life. In the classroom, working with teenagers, I felt energized and full of life. Never a dull moment. Never a day when I regretted choosing to be a teacher. I am most fortunate to have chosen a career that never felt like a job. I hope those just entering teaching wll experience what I have experienced. I have mentored many young teachers through the years and would like to continue doing so ow that I am retired.